‘L’ is for: Loss


A little background on this post… I am a recovering addict, at the end of my addiction to opiates, I lost custody of my daughter and 2 older sons. I haven’t seen or spoken to my daughter in 3 years as of May (she’s with her Dad & that’s a story so long I could write a series on it) & my 2 boys have been with my Oma for almost 3 years. I have remained clean since May 2nd, 2014. I didn’t actually lose custody, but signed “temporary custody” to my Grandmother in order to keep my boys safe & do what was best for them while I was in rehab and recovering. After everything was signed & we received our final order in the mail, it had been changed to permanent custody!

The agreement I had with Oma was as soon as I divorced my ex-husband (he wasn’t getting clean and has unfortunately fallen farther into the depths of his addiction), got my own place, got a vehicle & had a steady job then she would return custody to me. Cut to 3 years clean & sober, I am remarried to an amazing man, remain clean & sober, My husband & I have started & run our own business, we own our own property & are building our own house. I spent the first year of my recovery after rehab in a halfway house, after which I returned back to my hometown in East Tennessee where the boys were so I could spend time with them and work on getting them back. For the last 2 years I have been going to see them 3, 4 sometimes 5 days a weeks, helping them with homework, providing clothes, toys, bicycles, and anything & everything my grandmother will let me help with. Last year, I had another baby boy & have done everything in my power to make sure my boys bond with their brother and know that I wasn’t trying to replace them.

Long story short, our business and property is all the way on the other side of the country in Southern Oregon. My husband has been such an amazing sport travelling back and forth all the time for work! The original plan was for him to go develop the property and build our home while I stayed here & slowly acclimated our boys back home with me in the least traumatic way possible. The hardest part is, living with Oma is the only thing the younger one knows (he was only 7 months old when she began taking care of him & he will be 4 this August) and I DO NOT want to just snatch him away from her and do more damage than good!

I try to be a very open & honest person. I speak freely with my family (especially Oma). So I have been making it known every step of the way what has been going on. When I ordered bunk beds, bought their mattresses & then when I filed the petition to reinstate custody of my boys. We have always had an open dialogue about Oma’s wishes, what she thinks would be best for my boys & what would make her feel comfortable in this transition. I understand that this is going to be emotionally taxing on EVERYONE involved! So, I was under the assumption (ass-u-me as they say) that we had worked everything out & had come to an agreement & that we were on the same page & going to handle everything privately (without lawyers).

I filed my petition & last Tuesday we went to court. I had no control over when the court scheduled our court date. I was just as upset as she was that they had scheduled it for what would have been Oma & Poppa’s 60th Anniversary (Poppa passed away 7 years ago)! I go to court all excited & sit in the same row with her & my Aunt, thinking I was about to get the rights to my boys back. It’s so difficult being a “part-time Mama”. I understand that she allows me to have open visitation & be as involved as I can. but I have no say in anything. I have no rights to do what I believe is best for my boys like: homeschool them, follow an alternative vaccine schedule, sign them up for sports & take them camping, hiking, swimming & letting them spend as much time outside as seasonably possible. I have no feelings of animosity towards Oma & I understand that she is doing the best she can for an 80 year old woman. I understand that she did me a huge favor & LOVES my boys whole-heartedly! But they aren’t aloud to do much & spend MOST of their time locked inside watching T.V. & playing on their tablets, I understand it’s because she has a hard time keeping up with them…

We get to court and low & behold, I am blindsided! Oma showed up with an attorney! She claims she doesn’t want us to move because she is afraid she won’t see MY boys again. First of all, I would never do that to her! I love her dearly & was trying to offer her EVERY Christmas & 2-4 weeks EVERY summer, plus we would come visit all the time besides her “scheduled visitation”! So, now her attorney has put everything off for another 60 days…

I’m actually getting to my point now… My husband & I had saved up and put back enough money for me to pay rent, utilities, etc for over 6 months. He was going to go ahead and move to Oregon & start developing & building. I just had to use the money that was for living here for the “transition period” to hire a lawyer so I am not blindsided again & so I will have someone on my side to help do what it best for my boys. So I will no longer be able to stay near MY boys. So not only did I not get custody back, but now I am having to move all the way across the country from them in less than a week! :,(OregonSign

I am devastated! I have absolutely NO CLUE what is going to happen. I feel like my heart & soul have been ripped from my chest & shredded into a gazillion pieces, then stomped & spit on!!!! I am having to trust that the Universe has a plan, that I will get my boys back home with me soon. But I honestly am not too sure of that anymore…

I did an Oracle card reading for myself (Using Sonia Choquette’s “Ask your Guides” cards) on the situation and here is what I drew:


This reading was honestly, pretty discouraging. I have no clue where we sit right now. But I have NO CHOICE but to trust that God will do everything to protect my innocent boys and make this the least traumatic of an experience as possible. Please pray for my family…


Namasté ❤

A2Z-BADGE-100 [2017]


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